My Journey to Motherhood
The first week of my third trimester has proven to be a challenging one. I have been blessed with an overall great pregnancy. I have felt very good without much sickness or weird changes in my body. However, the reality of becoming a mother with all its responsibilities is beginning to sink in and has been quite overwhelming.
I’ll spare you most of the details, but the events of this morning left me physically ill, as well as emotionally drained. I spent 20 minutes cleaning up puke that unfortunately didn’t make it to the toilet in time, and the rest of the morning dealing with other issues. Like, I said, I’ll spare you the details. I think it began last night when I started feeling strange, and I began wondering if I was sick or just dealing with pregnancy. I tend to over-think things, and questions like, “If I don’t even know how to take care of myself, how am I going to take care of my children?” “I’m not a nurse, how will I know when my baby is sick, or how will I know what to give them to make them feel better?” One question just leading to the next…”I’ve only had nieces, do I even know how to take care of a little boy…do his hair, potty train, etc?” I know, I know, ridiculous, right? And I’m sure many things just come naturally to being a mother, but I hope someone else out there has felt the same way I feel. Those trite questions then led me to question my spiritual adequateness of becoming a mother. I still have so much to learn and grow in. How can I be the spiritual example and godly mother my children need me to be? I have felt more scared of motherhood than the actual labor and delivery! Although, at times I wonder how that’s going to work since I find myself agonizing over the pain of stubbing my toe, or feeling ill in other ways. Maybe I’m really just a wimp and never knew it until now. But that’s a whole other blog post!
We are in the midst of settling on a house to move into. We are so thankful the Lord has provided this house for us, but the timing has tested my trust in the Lord. With only 12 weeks left before my due date, I can think of nothing else than the million things that still need to get done. However, I can do very little to get settled until we actually get in the house. God has proven faithful time and time again in these situations, yet I still question if everything will work out in the end. I still sit around and worry and fret about getting it all done. After all, I am about to be a mother and there is much to get done in preparation! But God has always provided for our needs and will continue to do so, even if it’s in a different way than we anticipated. How encouraging this truth is.
Going back to all of my questions about becoming a mother, my desire is complete dedication to raising my children for the Lord. The truth is, I know all the answers to my above questions. I am completely inadequate and insufficient for this big responsibility. I will fail over and over again. But that is why we have Jesus. We aren’t meant to do these things by ourselves, in our own power. This should be encouraging, knowing that Jesus is in complete control, and He is the one who will empower me to be the mother I need to be. As long as I am diligently seeking after His truth, He will be with me each step of the way. I started reading a book, ” A Mom After God’s Own Heart” by Elizabeth George (my second “mother/parenting” book so far) and I was challenged with studying the prayer that Hannah offered to the Lord for her son, Samuel. I found it so refreshing, challenging, and the desire of my heart for my son.
“And Hannah prayed and said, my heart exults in the Lord, my strength is exalted in the Lord. My mouth derides my enemies, because I rejoice in your salvation. There is none holy like the Lord; there is none besides you; there is no rock like our God. Talk no more so very proudly; let not arrogance come from your mouth; for the Lord is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed. The bows of the mighty are broken, but the feeble bind on strength. Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread, but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger. The barren has borne seven, but she who has many children is forlorn. The Lord kills and brings to life; he brings down to Sheol and raises up. The Lord makes poor and makes rich; he brings low and he exults. He raises up the poor from the dust; he lifts the needy from the ash heap to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor. For the pillars of the earth are the Lord’s, and on them he has set the world. He will guard the feet of his faithful ones, but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness, for not by might shall a man prevail. The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; against them he will thunder in heaven. The Lord will judge the ends of the earth; he will give strength to his king and exult the power of his anointed.” I Samuel 2:1-10
So, I am beyond excited about becoming a mother, but understand the huge responsibility, as well. It’s easy for women to compare themselves to others and develop this false perception that every other woman/mother is doing it right, and that they’re the odd one out. But, I think most women would admit that they struggle just like everyone else. We should rejoice when we see God’s grace in someone else’s life that is demonstrated with what looks like “perfection” or “success.” We are all in this journey together, and instead of viewing that person as just “having it all together” we should learn from them and thank God for the growth in that person’s life. It’s wonderful when God uses certain people who are strong in some areas to encourage and help those who struggle in that area, and vice versa. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses, and the Body of Christ is meant to uplift each other in prayer and encouragement. What I have learned so far even before my son has been born, is that I will fail and I will get discouraged. I will not do things perfectly or how every other mom is doing them. But, my son doesn’t need me to be perfect or do everything right. The opposite is true. He needs to see humility in me and a desire to seek after God and His truth. He needs to know that I will mess up often, but that God offers forgiveness to those who ask. I pray that God will empower me to not be a perfect mother, but a godly, humble mother. The challenge is big, but God is bigger.
These are just some thoughts that God has been teaching me through my journey. I hope they have been encouraging. I cannot wait to hold this wonderful blessing in my arms in October. What a wonderful gift from our heavenly Father.
This is joy under the sun.